It is not uncommon to feel insecure in a new relationship, but sometimes its difficult to work out if those insecurities are actually warranted, or if they are insecurities. Relationship insecurities can be frustrating and confusing, prompting the question – is it you or is it me?
A pattern often seen in early stage relationships is concern over what the other person thinks about you, or how they assess you, as opposed to whether or not that partner is actually good your you. So let’s make it really simply – a relationship is not about how great someone is. It’s actually not really about them at all.
A relationship is about how someone makes you feel, and vice versa.
Relationships are about how someone affects you, and how you affect them, and whether or not that affect is positive. Within that positive framework we then have things like having fun, feeling trust, clear communication, good physical chemistry, feeling safe, feeling respected, encouraging a healthy lifestyle, and so on. Of course if the effect is not positive, we have problems.
Actual insecurities can arise however if you have issues that are unresolved and preventing you from trusting an otherwise trustworthy person, or from resolving whatever might be in your way. Then it is clearly your problem to sort out.
Relationship Insecurities – It’s Not Me, It’s You!
Clara came in to see me to sort out her relationship insecurities so that she could get on with it and potentially progress the relationship to a state of long-term commitment. She had already decided that she had issues to resolve. When I asked her why she thought she had issues, she effectively told me that her partner made her feel that way, and that he told her that she had a problem.
When we talked some more, I discovered that Clara’s ‘insecurities’ actually sounded quite logical. He would hide messages to a former fling, and then say he was trying to protect Clara’s feelings, because he loves her. Hiding messages is suspicious behaviour, especially when it involves a woman he slept with but never entered into a relationship with. I mean, just how important is this fling and why wouldn’t he just leave it alone if he knew it would upset Clara?
Anytime Clara would argue with her partner he would take a doomsday approach and begin yelling, declaring that they should just split up because they shouldn’t be arguing at all. He was throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, taking an extreme response. As a therapist I would suggest that this man had some past history that needed resolving as it was casting unreasonable assumptions, and behaviours, into the mix. If Clara is being consistently told that they should break up, I would suggest that her ‘relationship insecurities’ are in fact warranted.
When Clara discusses the future, her partner changes the subject or suggests that he is not looking for long term commitment at this stage. Bravo for being straight up, but this also spells out a mismatch in terms of what each party wants.
Is Love Enough?
Clara is convinced that her partner loves her, but she is also second guessing herself due to the way he treats her. She is continuously prompted to ask herself… Am I enough for him? Why doesn’t he want to make any effort to have fun together when we go somewhere, but makes me feel like he’s annoyed, and then won’t say why? Would he be different with someone else? Is there something wrong with me?
What Clara should be asking is this… Is this man making me feel the way I want to feel? Are we on the same page when it comes to what we want? Being such a keen communicator, would I be happy long term with someone who won’t express himself?
In Your Shoes
I can’t answer any of Clara’s questions because it’s none of my business, but I can help Clara see the relationship through her partner’s eyes and gain some insight so that she can get a bigger picture view of what’s going on and where things are at.
I took Clara into a process which allows her to step int the shoes of another person and to respond as they would respond to a set of questions, revealing their perspective on the issue. What’s really happening is that Clara’s unconscious mind is stepping into her partner’s place to answer those questions, and her unconscious mind has zillions of bits of data stored, a bit like a computer, that allows it to create reasonable insights which come through at that time.
Of course this is all coming from Clara’s own mind, but it doesn’t matter at all, because it’s how the relationship makes Clara feel that matters. When Clara’s unconscious mind is constructing answers, it is essentially using all that data the way that it has interpreted things, because that’s what actually matters, to Clara. It’s not about being 100 per cent accurate, but more it’s about the meaning that this relationship has for Clara, personally.
It will be Clara’s call. or perhaps her partner’s call to either continue on or take a break from this relationship, and perhaps her partner will also make some changes and begin to change his behaviour. I only wish them the best. But it is especially important for Clara to have left my clinic understanding that she may not actually have relationship insecurities, but rather, some concerns that need to be addressed.
If you do have insecurities, or if you need some perspective on your relationship, we can help. Horizons Clinical Hypnotherapy Sunshine Coast